Day 43, I'm not even sure what to say...

For like the past twelve hours, I have been at a complete loss for words, I've made like
four life changing decisions and I'm honestly a little scared. But I have come to the
realization that I am the only person who can make me happy. MY happiness is what
is really important, not everyone elses. It's taken me a long time to come to this
conclusion and damn it, I like it. I'm a person with thoughts and feelings, and I'm tired
of no one else realizing that. I'm so sick of people lying to me because they think that's
what would be best for me, how about you let ME decide, it is my life. I'm sick of everytime
I don't kiss everyone else's ass, people get pissed at me, and yet I'm the one getting used
like a doormat 24/7. Forget that, fuck that, I'm done with it. I'm my own fucking person,
now watch me make myself happy. I know that none of my recent posts have really been
about being a military girlfriend, but right now I honestly have some bigger shit going on in
my life...I do miss my Airman, and it will only be 13 days until I see him again. Less than
two weeks and I'm San Antonio bound. :)

Day 35, it's a rarity

"True love is rare, and it's the only thing that gives life real meaning."

I'm so tired, like seriously. Thank god my boss decided to give me this
Thursday off like I asked, I've been so run down. I'm exhausted, this whole
thing is pretty much kicking my ass. I miss my boyfriend, he's my best friend,
my love, and so much more. I can't wait for the next 3 weeks to go by
so I can fly down to Texas, I'm not going to want to leave, that's for sure.
But after I leave Texas, it will be less than a month until it's time for him to
come home for Christmas. <3 I'm so lucky that I will not only get to spend
Thanksgiving with him, I will also get to spend Christmas with him. The
holiday season this year will be very blessed for me. :) I just know that what
I have with him is very rare and I probably couldn't find it with anyone else
if I wanted to. It is most definitely a rarity, and I'm not complaining.

Days 32, 33, and 34, He called, and somethings wrong

"Without you in my arms I feel an emptiness in my soul, I find myself searching
the crowds for your face-I know it's an impossibility, but I cannot help
myself."

He sounded awful on the phone, he sounded tired and beat down..poor thing.
It just really worries me because he has been so upbeat the entire time, I guess
the pressure is really starting to get to him...I hope he can stay stong, it hurt so
bad to hear him sound so pitiful. Is this normal? Do all the Airmen do this, do they
all get this stressed and tired right here in week 5? We're so close to the end of
this, only 22 days to go...I'm so afraid that he's just changed his mind about us.
God, I hope not....I'm so worried about him, I need him to stay strong, just for these
last three weeks, and then he can break, I'll be there then. I feel so helpless, like
seriously...I've never felt like this before, I just want to help him but I can't.
They took 6 hours off of his town pass, and now his debit card is messed up so
he's having to borrow money from people..I know he's under a tremendous amount
of stress, I just hope it gets better for him. I hope he knows that I miss him more
than anything and I'm honestly going crazy without him here. I'm just ready for this
to be over with.

Day 22, almost half way there.

"While I sleep, I dream of you, and when I wake, I long to hold you in my arms. If anything, our time apart has only made me more certain that I want to spend my nights by your side, and my days in your heart."

I'm so ready for this to be over with, I've never been more excited about Thanksgiving, I think. Haha, I'm really nervous to find out what this special surpise is, he still hasn't broke and told me. But of course, he hasn't had many chances to tell me, I've only talked to him once since I found out about this "very special" surprise. I am so ready for his next letter or phone call, this long distance thing is just too hard for me. I am a big girl though so I am toughing this shit out, but to be honest, the whole distance thing just makes me doubtful. It scares me because I start to feel bad when I start having a good time without him here, I should be able to have fun without him here. I honestly feel like I shouldn't be having fun without him around, even though deep down I know that isn't true. Idk, I am so emotionally confused right now and in desperate need of advice.

Day 21, another letter....

I love getting his letters, he just goes on and on about how much he misses me
and how he is taking me with him when he goes overseas...welp, we all know
that there is only one way that I could come with him. ;) I've been begging him
to tell me what the very special surprise is in every letter...because well, I am dying
of anticipation. I can't believe that I'm already 3 weeks into this. I'm almost halfway
there, all I need to do now is buy my plane ticket and such. I guess it will feel
more real to me as soon as I get the ticket in my hands. But seriously, I am so
freaking excited, I can't wait to be with him again, especially if I am the only
person who goes...we will have some serious alone time.  For the past few
days I have been so upset and depressed, and well...there's no one here to support
me. I know that what I'm feeling is normal, but I just can't help but to second
guess myself. I'm honestly so confused. Thank you to everyone who has been
here to support me, especially the people who barely know me but have
tried their hardest to make me feel better. It is greatly appreciated. As always,
feel free to email Laceylovesdukex3@aol.com or send a private message or
even wall post to my facebook. Thank you and I love you all<3

Days 18, 19, and 20, someone shoot me.

I got a thirty minute phone call on Saturday :) It was pretty great. oh and I got another
letter. He was very upbeat and joking around, I'm glad he was because I've been
miserable for the past few days. I just really don't feel like talking to anyone,
I have so much that I need to think about, right now I really need some support.
I've been so lost in thought for the past few days that I flip shit anytime someone
interupts my thought process. When he called, he started talking about how if
he gets sent overseas he is taking me with him...how sweet. Anyways, I'm exhausted,
and I have to get back to work.

Day 17, fucking A.

"When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around
you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something,
and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through."

FML, the end. My brain and heart are in an all out battle. I mean is this normal...
whatever. I love and miss my airman. Thank you to everyone who is supporting me,
and as always, a special thank you to my readers who continuously brighten my day.
I love you all. Sorry I'm not writing much today, I just can't do it, not today. I'm
lonely and I want to wallow in my misery. Feel free to send emails to
Laceylovesdukex3@aol.com or send messages to my facebook inbox.
I'm here to give advice for anyone who needs it, and to recieve advice from
anyone willing to give it. :)

Day 16, my first letter.

"I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope and every dream that I've ever had. And no matter what happens to us in the future, every day spent with you was the best day of my life."

It was probably the most bittersweet moment of my life, I loved it and yet I cried the entire time.
I haven't let that letter out of my sight since I recieved it. I can't describe the feeling I got the minute
I saw that envelope. I can't wait until the next, but what I definitely can't wait for is November 23
when I finally get to see him again. He ended his letter with "oh and I have a very special surprise
for you after graduation." wtf is that? I have like 6 more weeks until I can know what this
surprise is! His letter just went on and on about how he can't wait until he can have me in his
arms again, and how he can't wait to kiss me and hear my voice. I miss him so much, his letter
was so amazingly sweet. I'm so ready, I've been writing letters every single day, and I'm ordering
my plane ticket this weekend. I'm fighting a hard fight, and I know my readers are too. Always
remember I am here for you if you need me. And if anyone wants to give me ideas as to what
this surprise might be, replies are welcome. laceylovesdukex3@aol.com

Day 15, seriously?

I'm so pissed I have 6 more weeks of this, I hate it...4 more days until Sunday,
and then I get to hear from him. I hate my job, I wish I had a good reason to
quit. Someone give me a good reason, I'm so emotionally exhausted when
I get off of work I can barely keep my eyes open. My job makes me want to
become an alcoholic...although I don't drink and don't plan on starting anytime
soon. Most of my friends are a pretty good support system, but some of the
people that I have been friends with the longest aren't there for me...like
seriously, I've been friends for you for 15 years and you're going to pretend
that I don't exist...how about screw you, you'll miss me. I'm pissed, but
for the most part, I have really amazing friends and family who have helped
support me through this hard time. I love all of you, and thank you.
& A special thank you to the people who read this blog, I have about 50 views
a day and I usually recieve a few emails or messages on facebook with feedback.
Thanks to all of you and feel free to email me at Laceylovesdukex3@aol.com
or send me messages via facebook. I love hearing from you. :)